Burn the Frowns; Light of Lights

Wanna know a secret? I'm happy today. Wanna know why? I don't have an answer for you. Today was amazing. Nothing happened. Absolutely nothing. I woke up and I feel amazing. I feel refreshed & I feel like I've just been reborn. The twinkle in my step or the pep in my eyes, is completely real. I've been so down on myself lately, but that's all changed for me. I don't care anymore. I'm better than I was. I'm a different person. I see everything in a different light. I'm seeing myself, a happier me.

It's all fallen into place. I don't need anyone to be happy. I just need my silver lining. I've found it.

It's life.

-LiveLoveTy

If you will let me

I don't know what's right & what's real anymore.
I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore.
When do you think it will all become clear.
'Cause I'm being taken over by fear.

I'm open now. Everything is going to be alright. I'm without lies, love, & secrets. My heart is going to be open to anyone who would like to take a look. This place, this meaningless space, is for the light hearted. I come with no boundaries, no set ups, no waiting. I come baring myself & all the greater goods I behold.


Start of a new song I thought about today:

I love the way you sing
& I love it when you sleep
& I love it when we lay
I love it when we feel this way

You make me smile, oh you make me shine
With you, I seem alright. I seem fine.
Sing softly; So I can sleep constantly
A calm memory that guides my dreams

If you're lost; I'd rather you stay
If you're found; I like it this way
Hold on, Hold on to me
Hold on, Hold on to me

My hands shake sweat with fear
this again when you come near
I know it got close but I'm sure it's too far
Like falling asleep, I fell too hard

So...
If you're lost; I'd rather you stay
If you're found; I like it this way
Hold on, Hold on to me
Hold on, Hold on to me

Hold on just on to me
Hold on, Hold on to me

I'm not the best with songs nor the best with anything. I'm only half of a human as they say. But half gives me the need to be whole.

-LiveLoveTy

Random Thoughts

Here's the deal. Last night, I did not sleep. Once again, I had some random thoughts. I'd like to share.

You don't have to listen though.

a) Do Asians ever get cold?

b) If everything is in my mind, is there a way to drain it so that I will be normal again?

c) I don't know what will happen to my existence if all this fell to pieces.

d) I think change is the only way I'll ever be happy. It consumes me in fear of staying the same, so I make things change; sometimes without knowing.

e) I don't know what I'd be without drugs; I want to go higher.

f) It's time to start setting off the fireworks for the world

g) I really need to transfer soon. I don't think I can go much longer seeing you everyday.

h) I'm heartless; but I'm growing

i) I attract the wrong people.

j) If everyone were to stand still, would the world stop spinning in chaos?

k) If I gave up a long time ago, would things be the same as they are now. Or would they be better. This is the lowest of the low.

l) I feel betrayed; but I'm not. I feel anger; but I can't. I feel lost; but you found me. I feel empty; I am.

m) I don't have a clue about my future. Math is something I love, but I hate kids & I wouldn't be a good teacher. Photography is my passion, but I'm getting into movie making. Do I even have money for college? I'm trash to be honest.

n) blacks are the superior race in our school.

o) I don't need cigarrettes as much as I smoke them. They actually make me sick.

p) I'm someone I hate. I told myself since I was a little toddler that I'd never become this way. I have. I'm walking in her footsteps, & look where she is now. I don't want to become my mother.

q) I want to be someone but someone else.

r) I think I might need her back in my life. We've been talking again, nothing big, But she makes things better even if she makes things worse.

s) A shoe string is always too big for the shoe.

t) I see the blood on my wall & never want it to go away. I have yet to remove it or wash it off, it's sort of a reminder. Because you were crying that night; worried; scared. But you were there.

u) If I'm not around alot of people, I'm more depressed. I let myself get the best of me.

v) I think my heart is broken beyond control

w) I really never was out of control but I did mean what I said.

x) Tape doesn't do a very good job with silencing someone. You can just lick the tape on the inside & get it unstuck. Sure you'd be covered in your own saliva, but hell, it works.

y) I remember when I was young, I wanted to be with the 'in' crowd so bad that I'd do anything. But look at me now, I'm nothing like I was back then and I'm known for being me. I think I became someone.

z) The attempt, will be final when you least expect it. But it will be sooner than you think. I've got my mind made up.

-LiveLoveTy

12:52am

A piece of art isn't something you hold in your hands & praise for the rest of your life. A piece of art is something that is in your mind.

Not necessarily on paper or jotted down in scratch.
Art is Love. Love is art. Visa Versa.

Let me start over;

Hi. My name is Tylar Greigh Leach. I'm a raging psycopath that you should not get involved with no matter how much you would like to. I do what I can to make it look like I'm strong on the inside & out. Yet half the times, a single glance can make me want to fall in tears. My heart is broken; shattered; ripped from my chest; stomped on. I don't see any life reviving from it. My head is loose; intertwined; mingled; senseless. My body is worn; tore; weak; spineless. I feel as if I am in shackles from head to toe & the everything I've come to know is breaking; waiting for me to pick up the pieces & glue them back together. My chains are too tight, I scream for help.

No one hears. No one is there anymore.

My words often go unnoticed. Yet my words are all I have. My voice is my power. My thoughts are my feelings & my feelings are the only strong part within me. My mind is slowly deminishing though. It feels no longer worthy to stick around. If time could stop, I'd make it fall off a cliff & break, just so I could spend one more moment that will last a life time, next to you.

My fears are what control my life. I fear the unknown in turn making me scared of a future I might have with someone. I don't let myself breathe enough; making it even harder to breathe around you. You make me suffocate just by standing close.

Remember how you're heart sinks into your chest cause you're empty? Mine explodes out of my chest when you leave, it's empty too though.

I don't seem to sleep much these days. & when I do, I always dream of heads. Heads & faces just glaring up at me as if they were all looking for one answer. The answer of all questions. One simple answer. I can't prevail with anyone on my side because that wouldn't be prevailing at all. That'd be isolation. I dislike isolation; I just learned.

Sometimes, I wish I could be Gods assistant. Learn how he does his job; what tricks he has up his sleeve; how he decides who loves & who looses. Who stays & who goes. Up or Down. Left or right.

My mind is full of millions of questions yet I, too, am looking up for the answer of all questions. Yet I do not look at myself, for I do not know the answer. I never have. Maybe I have, I wouldn't know. I know the answer now, I'm looking for remembrance; adventure; past to present; understanding; will to survive; power to keep fighting; warmth to fill my heart.

I don't know what I could do, or what I should do.

Maybe what I'm doing is wrong, but I feel it's right.

I'm too scared of the unknown to face the wrongness of myself.

So don't judge, don't hate, be there. I ask of you with all my might, be there to help me through. Help me with that grip. Let me hold tighter, longer than I ever have before. Forever.

-LiveLoveTy.

The Past; Repeats

If we have love, what do they have? If they have happiness, what do we have?

We have moments. We have anger & rage.

"We're so inlove that we fight all the time because we can't stand being away from each other"

Ha fuck that. We don't have love. We don't have happiness. We have a past. If getting the cold shoulder from you everyday is love, then fuck, I'm on the wrong train. I'm trying to make things up to you, but you don't even give it a chance. You simply ask "what would you say if I said I'm done"

Uhh... "Fuck it? Why'd I try? What the hell did I do to you? Thanks for the sex?"

It's not like me saying anything will help this at all, because you're so headstrong that you can't let me into your head. It's not anger that I'm giving you, it's fear. I'm scared of losing you & I'm scared of you finding someone else. But shit, all you're giving me is a headache. I don't really see the point in me trying anymore if all you're going to do is kill me in the end. I'm just speeding up the process of my own death I guess. Which I don't want to do.

Look, I love you, You love me. Why can't we just be happy already? I'm trying to make things work & give you anything you want, but the moment I start to show emotion is the moment you completly leave.

We're going to be 60 years old & still going at this stupid game of love if you don't wise the up. I need you now. I will always need you.

When I'm old I will still be breathing on your neck the way you hate. I will still be tickling you the same way.

& You'll still be messing with my head.

Where's the love in that?

-LiveLoveTy

Words Only Do So Much

How much longer can I stand this torment? This obsessive agony & mind blown anger coming from me everytime you say those things. Sometimes, going to jail for a killing, isn't so bad because you get what you wanted. You killed the enemy. Sure you do some time, but the problem is over.

After all, it's not like the person will rise from beneath the Earth & start all over. Or will they?

Push me over the edge again, & you will learn your early fate as a worthless being. I should just erase you from the face of Mankind so you don't have to belittle yourself anymore. I would be doing the world a favor.

But don't for a second think you will be going to Heaven & it'll be all joyful again. The Gates will not accept someone as deminished as you into their world so you could just corrupt it too. Nor will Hell. You don't belong, you never have & you never will.

You will be a lifeless asshole floating in mid air of nothingness. Only a black space & silence surrounding you. You will go insane, plead for mercy & wish to return. But that chance is too far gone.

I will haunt you.

& I will kill you very soon.

Say one more thing, & you're fate rests in my hands.

-LiveLoveTy

I remember.

I could say I remember everything that happened last night. I remember the feeling of your body against mine, the warmth of your breathe on my neck as we slept.

...truth is, I don't.

Is my brain at it's maximum capacity level? Are these memories that I'm losing unimportant now? Will this last? I feel wasted in my own time capsoul. I feel like I'm searching for something that isn't there.

If I lose more, I just might lose myself.

I could say I remember meeting you years ago. I could say I remember everything you said as we walked hand in hand through the streets.

...truth is, I don't.

I'm sorry.
What if you become just a lost memory to me?

The Benefit of Sleep Loss

I didn't sleep last night. But I did think. I was coming down from my high & by then I start thinking about everything that is going on with my life. Here's a couple of thoughts;

A) I have to pee but I don't want to move

okay seriously though;

B) If she's happy, then good for her. I honestly have lost all intrest in her to the point where it's rediculous. I just want my shit back. I loved my fuckin hat & jacket. & I don't just give things away, they usually mean that I care for you & you have the right to wear my clothes. But shit, now I just want all that to disappear & be done with. Chances are they won't & I'll be stuck with this burden of a person for a long time.

C) If the world comes to an end, so be it. We all die at the same time meaning I left no one behind. I think I should just have a good life until it is over. Sure, I'm freaked the fuck out of dying, but it happens to everyone at some point. & If I'm wrong about the 2012 thing, then atleast I got 3 years over with of non stop fun & feelings.

D) I think I should let go & see what happens

E) I really wish I could stay in a relationship with someone. When I sleep, I wish I was holding someones heart in my arms. I wish I could feel their warmth next to me & know they feel the same with me. I want to have someone to be mine & me theirs. For good.

F) it'll never happen

G) girls confuse the shit out of me. I really want to be able to read minds so I know when I should back off or move forward.

H) I think I have a straight crushh... but then again, I have a million crushes.

Live for today, drink for tomorrow, We've got big plans for the rest of our lives.

True love is something that comes easy

Just one kiss god I swear I want to...

I heard a pin drop and a nervous heartbeat

Have you ever heard me scream I love you

-LiveLoveTy

Female Anatomy Strikes Again

So I thought I've banned myself from girls for awhile. But gahhhh this one girl, mannnn. She's so gorgeous & she's very sweet. PLUS, there won't be any drama attached cause well, she's not in the little lesbian clan.

I'm tired of dating girls that I've dated before. I'm tired of the same ol' drama going down each time. I think that if I just go for it & see what happens, then it'll be good. Everytime I say the exact same thing. "oh I'll commit, this is different. She's worth it".. . but really, it's not a matter of what I say, it's about who the person is. If I get bored or lose interest easily, then fuck man, I'm not gonna stay commited. I go through liking girls like a fucking dog goes through bones. (yes, i did compare myself to a dog)
It's that damn female anatomy! gets me everytime yo. I swear. But I really think if I tried hard enough, I could treat a girl right & give her everything she needs in a relationship. I've tried before with Meagan & shit I'd do it over again a million times, but lately, she's like a walking zombie. I don't know, something doesn't feel right. I think somethings up. But I'm not gonna ask.

Anyways, this new girl. Senior, hot, sweet, funny, down to Earth. b0$$$$$$. I'm gonna give her a shot.

Should I or not?
Who's really to say what the right choice is. Either way, I'm just going at this one at a different perspective.

-LiveLoveTy

Cry to Me; Sing to Me

Maybe living this life isn't what I thought it would be. Maybe I wasn't supposed to be here. I wasn't supposed to do all the things I've done. It's not like I've made any head way in turning my life around. Everything is still nothing & I am still pathetic. I can't go a day without seeing myself in the mirror & wondering why I look dead. Maybe that's what I should be.

I can't do a single thing right. I can't look at my life & say "hey! You've done great! Pat yourself on the back homie!"

Remember that old folk tale parents & teachers used to tell their kids about the king who everything he touched turned to gold? Well it's like that in many ways. Except everything I touch, brakes. Every person I come to contact with, I mess their lives up horribly. I become a burden to them.

Those who don't know me, are lucky.

I think it's funny, I've had all these thoughts of looking down upon this blade. I have two. & everytime I see them, I start to get chills, like it's calling me or something. No I don't hear voices although that would be awesome. Maybe one of them could help me out just a little.

I feel worthless with everything. I'm never good enough. I don't take amazing photography. I don't take peoples breath away when I try to sing. I'm not smart enough to get into great colleges. I'm not tall enough, I'm not pretty enough. I'm nothing. I'm absolutely nothing. I'm a piece of shit that shouldn't be living.

I can't feel anything. I want to, but I can't. I've lost everything in me. I've lost my will to begin a new day, I've lost a real smile. & none of it will ever come back. I know it won't. Nothing will change.

I want to die. I want someone to slit my throat & watch me choke on my blood while I slowly fall to the floor gasping for a single bit of air. I want someone to rip my heart out & stab it until all that is left are little pieces to be thrown away so that no one will ever have to come into contact with that heart of mine again. Every finger nail, every strand of hair, every inch of me, I want it to be set to flames & burned in the darkest place on Earth so I will never be found. I want to bleed to death even when my body is only ashes. I want to suffer for the remainder of the life of Earth itself.

This is what I want to happen to me soon.

& if it does, then this is my letter of permission for it.

-LiveLoveTy

Time for Seasons Time for Change

I've been too mellow lately. I know I complain a shit load but nothing exciting goes on anymore. I really want to take some happy pills & go nutz out of my mind. I want to be cracked out & just insane. Not like... psycho-ward insane but insane on life.
Here's what I want out of this year::

I want to be happy.
I want to have tons of parties but tons of nights on the couch with someone watching movies.
I want to ask too many questions for my good.
I want to quit smoking & find a higher drug.. not drug though.
I want to be good at something; better than anyone else.
I want to be able to write again
I want to just ponder to myself about how good my day was.
I want to sit on the phone for hours laughing or in the moment with someone
I want to find someone who will just accept me
I want to accept myself along the way
I want to be comfortable in my own skin
I want the drama to stop & for everyone to just get along
I just want.... life to come to me again.


-LiveLoveTy

Happy New Year.

You know what I've noticed? Things have not been very exciting lately. At all. I haven't been up to my normal mood. I'm usually a big partier, but no one else is, so it's bumming the scene out just a bit.
New Years: spent it in a van. With Meagan of course, but nothing happened. Not that I worship sex or anything. That didn't bother me. It's just... things didn't go according to plan. Wasn't drunk, wasn't high, wasn't anything. Not even happy.
Don't get me wrong, spending time with Meagan is what I love most about life. It's just.. usually something always goes bad or the mood dies. I don't know. I love her, of course I do. She just refuses to believe me. & I don't think I should have to change to be with anyone. I think they should just love me for the cold hearted person I am at times & a sarcastic bitch who doesn't give a fuck if anyone around me is like... being dramatic. ONCEAGAIN. But I'm willing to change for her & I want to. I just don't know how to. I'm supposed to be "showing" that I want her & I want to be with her. I don't know how though. I don't understand how saying "I love you" every 10 minutes isn't enough. Hell, it'd be enough for me. But not for her. I wish it were. I wish we could have a single night where everything goes right & there wouldn't be any drama or getting sick. But I know that day will never come. It never has. I really have given up on trying to love someone. I'm no good at it. I literally suck huge sweaty balls at Love. I don't think anyone will ever understand that & be okay with it.
But oh well, it's not like I'm gonna ever be with anyone without Meagan in the picture. So I'm sticking to her. I don't see her as a burden, I just know that I can't be with someone because I'll always be thinking about her. So there really is no point to anyone trying to get with me.
UGH FUCK MY LIFE.

New Years sucked. Bottom line.
2009 isn't starting off too well.
FUCK MY LIFE.


-LiveLoveTy