LiveLoveTy

I'm not ready to say it.

2009-11-15T16:57:00.000-08:00

I thought I didn't have to? I thought you wanted me to say it when I was ready?

This is all going too fast. I'm not ready for anything. I've said "I love you" to too many people and didn't mean it. I say it cause they say it first and I feel bad for not saying it back.

But now, fuck.

what makes us?

2009-06-27T00:12:00.000-07:00

who we are..
It seems clearer to me now, more than ever, that life is a quest to find yourself. It's not about how many friends you can make or how many hearts you can break. It's not about finding love or falling out. I've learned through my last relationship that games, love games, are not worth it. Messing with people's emotions and minds hurts them, and you in the end. Do you see?
She figured me out so she ended it. I was crushed, nearly begged that night for it not to end.. Pathetic, right? But my heart said so. I fell in love while she fell out. Love is not a game, nor a challenge to suceed. Love is love and real and whole hearted.

I've been with this girl for about 3 weeks now, and it's gotten me thinking...
I can't figure her out. Maybe that's good, maybe that's bad. But now my 3 month girl is coming back begging this time. What do I do?
What can I possibly do in this situation?

LiveLove-LoveStruck-Ty

Ouch

2009-05-04T16:01:00.000-07:00

How can I be so stupid? So blind...to my own feelings. The feelings that are kept inside my own body. My heart, my soul, everything. How can I just pass that up for one more kiss to a girl who could never compare to the real. What makes life worth living when you're not with the person you're meant to be with? Am I really meant to be with them then? What makes people so...so, inhuman. If you really love someone, you should be with them. If you REALLY love someone, you shouldn't be with anyone else, no matter the feelings. Love is love. You can't change what you feel or the feelings you have had when you're with them. What am I thinking? How can I so wrong? How can I let myself do the things that will hurt you the most? It's not purposely but it's in my subconscious mind that I do them. I can't control it. I don't know how.

But what if, things are meant to be this way. What if, I meant every word I said those nights laying in bed next to the girl that isn't you. What if, what if, what if, WHAT IF. The stupid 2 words that always trigger someones mind to wonder and think about WHAT IF this happened, or WHAT IF I did this different... as;ldfkj UGH This life, this world, you, me, he, she, we are all just merely players. We play a game to see who can be let down and hurt the most for everyone elses fun. We are all, sins. Sins, in a way that no one should be accepted. Yet,

none of us really are.

-LiveLoveTy.

Moving Out

2009-04-13T18:46:00.000-07:00

I am finally going to be free of my house in 3-4 months. I am so excited. I know it will be hard living on my own, but now I will have no cops or mothers involved in my life. Things will be awesome. Money will be an issue. Buttttt I will be living with my amazinggg girlfriend hopefully. I know it's too soon to ask, but I think with the way things are going now, we will make it to the future. I have fallen. Not all the way, but fallen enough to know that I want a future with my girl. And to be waking up to her each morning and sleeping next to her each night, will make it all the more awesome. The only thing I will make a promise to her about though, is not fighting about money. I am short, she isn't. Which in that case, I feel bad, but technically it's not her money. hahaha SO woo!
I will need some kind of help though. Friends mostly. AND TONS of partiessss. hahaha oh yeah definately.
Things are looking up for the best. I will make it through this. I have to, for Jessica. Her and Meagan are the only reasons of why I am staying. I cannot live without Meagan, I dare try not to. I still love her with a burning passion within my gut. I know it. I know it in my heart, my soul, my being. I would be lost if I lost her.
Jessica, same, But only time will tell if I can ever love another the way I love Meagan. OH and today, I realized, me and Jess's hands fit together. It shocked me and I got really scared.

Anyways,
I don't have much time on my hands lately.
-LiveLoveTy

Games

2009-03-20T22:56:00.000-07:00

Life is like a poker game. You deal or are dealt to. It includes skill and luck. You bet, check, bluff, and raise. You learn from those you play with. Sometimes you win with a pair or lose with a full house. But whatever happens, it's best to keep on shuffling along.

For me, Life is a journey. I live by what happens & what I deal with. I do not see people as having issues. My girlfriend & I both see people as having opprotunities. When one door closes, another one opens. A path is always there, a light is always on & someone will always be waiting with an open hand.

Throughout the entire journey, my life has reared in different directions. Finally I live a life of happiness. I've never been so happy. I have nothing to complain about.

School; is amazing. I don't have to deal with mindless drama & I get my work done too fast for my own good.

Love; I've found this amazing girl who I've made plans with already. We fit. We have both fallen madly in-like with each other. ha. We share the same minds & when we kiss, it's as if I've known her my whole life. I know it's too soon to tell, but time, time stops when I'm with her. Every second, I grow more & more attached & more willing to share my life with her. She's my baby. She's my girl. Soon, she may be my love.

Family; the usual. Less fighting though. woop! & I may even go with my mom to get more tattoos. Cool huh? I think so.

Never stop smiling. It really does help.

-LiveLoveTy

Die Another Day

2009-03-15T02:58:00.001-07:00

No one's taking my heart away. No one's taking the place of you. Even though I am miles away, You should know that I'm always true. Count the days 'til I reach the end, Week by week in a satellite. And until I am back again, All I need is to close my eyes, And I run. Run back to you. Yeah and I run, Run back to the one I love. This is the way I spent the day. Did you, too?Running back to you, And when I dream, I only see us, Do you too? Running back to you. I wish that I could go back in time, To the city that's always cold. Time to leave but we stayed inside, Moving as though our bones were old. Trapped in ice in an avalanche. Here it comes, the pulse pounds and I'm ready to go. Mind fills up and it races fast, But it's erased the moment you close your eyes. You'll say"Is it really you or am I dreaming?" You're not dreaming Meet me in the dreamworld tonight.

I'm gonna close my body now.
-LiveLoveTy

Finally

2009-03-13T21:33:00.000-07:00

For once in my life, I am happy with someone. I am fully aware of my past, present & soon to be future.

She is different & I love it.
I am in-full-like right now.
For some odd reason.

I'm happy. Be happy for me.
-LiveLoveTy

Rage

2009-03-09T16:22:00.000-07:00

Why does the world revolve around secrets, lies & deception?
Why does it revolve around love & relationships?
Why do things happen the way they do?
Why do people say the things they say?
What makes a person who they are or are not?

Why am I asking all these questions, you may ask?
Because I'm tired of people not telling me the truth. So I liked you a whole lot, still do. But you went behind my back & took back the date, stood me up, & found yourself a male.
Happy for you.

Go Fuck Him.
I've heard it's what you're good at.

-LiveLoveTy

FREEDOM

2009-03-06T20:46:00.000-08:00

The chance to move on; some call it running away
Others; a new beginning. I see it as opening your eyes to a whole new world. Feeling free & open & vulernable again. After being so tough for so long, you can finally relax & be yourself & let yourself experience new things day after day.
I call it; Freedom.

-LiveLoveTy

<3

2009-03-05T05:21:00.001-08:00

Courage is the cure for love. Standing around being shy, doesn't solve anything. Nor does it get you where you want to be, or who you want to be with.

Courage; Is it in you?

-LiveLoveTy

Chasing Pavements

2009-02-25T17:08:00.000-08:00

I'm chicken. When it comes to you, oh my god, you make my head spin a million times.
I can't remember the last time I felt this way.

You're all I think about,
& you don't even know I exist.

a;skldfjsadfjlksa

AH Lovestruck.

-LiveLoveTy

You'd Think;

2009-02-24T19:38:00.000-08:00

The day would never come when you can see someone you once shared your world with, day in & day out, & not really mind their presence so much.
The memories don't come back anymore & the feelings mixed with tension have gone away.

Sure I can't look you in the eyes, or even at you,
but still, I've moved on.
& this time, I really didn't do anything wrong.

& it's breaking up my heart,
(I don't love you anymore)

-LiveLoveTy

Sometimes;

2009-02-20T18:34:00.001-08:00

Sometimes a mystical fairytale world isn't a fairytale. There are times when the happily-ever-after you always dream of when you're little, comes true. You meet your Prince Charming, fall madly in love, & have it all.

Then there are those stories that go to hell.

-LiveLoveTy

Everyday I'm Gone

2009-02-10T15:32:00.000-08:00

I've been without the world at my fingertips for 5 days now. I haven't been in contact with nearly anyone. It's been good. Everyday I'm gone makes everyday I'm back, seem like it's a new start. Even though, when I do get back, things will be just the same, I'll just feel differently about them.

I've learned that one of the greatest things in life, is the mind. Everything you do, everything you are, is based on the way you think. Being cooped up & alone has given me the opprotunity to think & learn more & more about what I truly want.

Truth is, I don't really want anything. I've never wanted a certain thing. It's always been numerous. But now, I can see, that I don't truly want or need anything.

Love, sure it's something I would like to have, but I don't want it at the moment.

Life, I'm here to live for something amazing. Myself.

I'm so much stronger now that I've taken sometime to myself. I like it. I really really do.

Love me? Hold me? Breathe me? I'm not in search of anything that comes close. I just want to relax & go a day without stress.

What makes a person? The obsticles they go through? The people they surround themselves with? No, their mind.

-LiveLoveTy

Live Intentionally Fuck Everyone

2009-02-04T19:24:00.000-08:00

L.I.F.E

Live Intentionally: To live is to breathe every moment in like it was the last. Do it intentionally so you know you made the best out of every situation. Accidents happen but so do miracles. Waiting isn't needed. If you want something, get it for yourself.

Fuck Everyone: Don't take peoples smack talk & don't conform to reality. Stay in your world if that's where you're comfortable. Clones are not what life is about. Be different. Show people the wonders of your mind. Express yourself in ways no one could ever imagine. Be who you were born.

Here's my two cents. If you are going to live in the society we have today, be prepared to get knocked down once & awhile. But the point is to bring yourself back up to the strong person everyone can be. Everyone has a glimmer of light they have yet to release. It's okay to be free & reckless. What's life without a few million risks. Throw your heart to the world just to see what happens. Don't expect to get it back. Build a new one & do it all over again.

-LiveLoveTy

Robots; In Love

2009-02-02T21:30:00.000-08:00

That one totally caught me by surprise. I'm not sure if I was ready for you to say that to me. It made my heart pound & gave me chills like no other. But then I started doubting myself again & acted like you didn't say anything. Maybe that was a mistake.

I can't say it back, I know I can't. Cause I'm not.

That night, scared me. You wouldn't let go. You wouldn't stop pulling. You wouldn't take no for an answer. You reminded me of someone who I'll never be ready to face. I knew you had the power over me, & I could only nudge away but it made no dent. I wanted to lash out & scream for help, but I don't think it would help anything. You just... really... really scared me. You're my biggest fear now. Please, don't ever do that to me again.

& now, you tell me this like a robot; in love. I'm not a kid, I don't need to be taken care of. It'd be nice to be treated right, but I'm simple to please. Don't figure me out, you won't like the outcome. Just know me. Know who I am. Spend time with me.

We'll always have to wait & see what happens between us.

p.s. It does matter what you think. It always does.

-LiveLoveTy

Tell Me The Wrongs; I'll Tell You You're Right

2009-02-01T16:47:00.000-08:00

Wrongs;

Falling inlove with you at first site.

Never being able to let you go; Never wanting to.

Telling you every last word when you can't hear a scream.

Trying so hard to prove my love when it doesn't matter.

Falling for her instead; Never letting go either.

Looking for someone other than you; Anyone.

Remembering everything that's ever been done; spoken; between us.

Pretending to be strong; hard headed

Letting you watch me wallow in my own self guilt; dropping so many tears; For nothing

Giving me a reason to never want anything from anyone.

You're Right;

I didn't try my hardest

I didn't love you enough; There was nothing left.

I walked away too many times; so did you.

You're gone.

She wasn't you; but she is something.

You'll never be ready; You've got to take this risk. It'll be different.

I'll never be good enough

I'm just in a bad mood right now. I probably will delete this later if I feel it's necessary. Right now. I WANT to wallow in YOUR self guilt. Watch it; watch you; watch everything. Await the day something new happens. Tears stop; fall; untouched; A smile brings anew; Happiness; Light; ....Hope

-LiveLoveTy

If I'm Gonna Fall; I'll let you know

2009-02-01T00:00:00.000-08:00

In the presence of a person you once gave your everything too; watching her watch her new love; her new everything; Seeing that spark in her eyes as it lights up into a firey wave of love; Knowing she used to look at you that way; No longer though.

It leaves you with a heart attack. Not of jealousy or need for them back, just because the memories & the intensity you felt for one another. How it was lost so quickly or regained in a flash. Everything starts rushing back.

Missing is different then actually remembering. I remember. I remember every breath; every step; every word; everything about her.

If love is a word that you say, say it; I will listen.

-LiveLoveTy

Burn the Frowns; Light of Lights

2009-01-29T19:00:00.000-08:00

Wanna know a secret? I'm happy today. Wanna know why? I don't have an answer for you. Today was amazing. Nothing happened. Absolutely nothing. I woke up and I feel amazing. I feel refreshed & I feel like I've just been reborn. The twinkle in my step or the pep in my eyes, is completely real. I've been so down on myself lately, but that's all changed for me. I don't care anymore. I'm better than I was. I'm a different person. I see everything in a different light. I'm seeing myself, a happier me.

It's all fallen into place. I don't need anyone to be happy. I just need my silver lining. I've found it.

It's life.

-LiveLoveTy

If you will let me

2009-01-28T21:27:00.000-08:00

I don't know what's right & what's real anymore.
I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore.
When do you think it will all become clear.
'Cause I'm being taken over by fear.

I'm open now. Everything is going to be alright. I'm without lies, love, & secrets. My heart is going to be open to anyone who would like to take a look. This place, this meaningless space, is for the light hearted. I come with no boundaries, no set ups, no waiting. I come baring myself & all the greater goods I behold.

Start of a new song I thought about today:

I love the way you sing
& I love it when you sleep
& I love it when we lay
I love it when we feel this way

You make me smile, oh you make me shine
With you, I seem alright. I seem fine.
Sing softly; So I can sleep constantly
A calm memory that guides my dreams

If you're lost; I'd rather you stay
If you're found; I like it this way
Hold on, Hold on to me
Hold on, Hold on to me

My hands shake sweat with fear
this again when you come near
I know it got close but I'm sure it's too far
Like falling asleep, I fell too hard

So...
If you're lost; I'd rather you stay
If you're found; I like it this way
Hold on, Hold on to me
Hold on, Hold on to me

Hold on just on to me
Hold on, Hold on to me

I'm not the best with songs nor the best with anything. I'm only half of a human as they say. But half gives me the need to be whole.

-LiveLoveTy

Random Thoughts

2009-01-27T16:40:00.000-08:00

Here's the deal. Last night, I did not sleep. Once again, I had some random thoughts. I'd like to share.

You don't have to listen though.

a) Do Asians ever get cold?

b) If everything is in my mind, is there a way to drain it so that I will be normal again?

c) I don't know what will happen to my existence if all this fell to pieces.

d) I think change is the only way I'll ever be happy. It consumes me in fear of staying the same, so I make things change; sometimes without knowing.

e) I don't know what I'd be without drugs; I want to go higher.

f) It's time to start setting off the fireworks for the world

g) I really need to transfer soon. I don't think I can go much longer seeing you everyday.

h) I'm heartless; but I'm growing

i) I attract the wrong people.

j) If everyone were to stand still, would the world stop spinning in chaos?

k) If I gave up a long time ago, would things be the same as they are now. Or would they be better. This is the lowest of the low.

l) I feel betrayed; but I'm not. I feel anger; but I can't. I feel lost; but you found me. I feel empty; I am.

m) I don't have a clue about my future. Math is something I love, but I hate kids & I wouldn't be a good teacher. Photography is my passion, but I'm getting into movie making. Do I even have money for college? I'm trash to be honest.

n) blacks are the superior race in our school.

o) I don't need cigarrettes as much as I smoke them. They actually make me sick.

p) I'm someone I hate. I told myself since I was a little toddler that I'd never become this way. I have. I'm walking in her footsteps, & look where she is now. I don't want to become my mother.

q) I want to be someone but someone else.

r) I think I might need her back in my life. We've been talking again, nothing big, But she makes things better even if she makes things worse.

s) A shoe string is always too big for the shoe.

t) I see the blood on my wall & never want it to go away. I have yet to remove it or wash it off, it's sort of a reminder. Because you were crying that night; worried; scared. But you were there.

u) If I'm not around alot of people, I'm more depressed. I let myself get the best of me.

v) I think my heart is broken beyond control

w) I really never was out of control but I did mean what I said.

x) Tape doesn't do a very good job with silencing someone. You can just lick the tape on the inside & get it unstuck. Sure you'd be covered in your own saliva, but hell, it works.

y) I remember when I was young, I wanted to be with the 'in' crowd so bad that I'd do anything. But look at me now, I'm nothing like I was back then and I'm known for being me. I think I became someone.

z) The attempt, will be final when you least expect it. But it will be sooner than you think. I've got my mind made up.

-LiveLoveTy

12:52am

2009-01-26T22:53:00.001-08:00

A piece of art isn't something you hold in your hands & praise for the rest of your life. A piece of art is something that is in your mind.

Not necessarily on paper or jotted down in scratch.
Art is Love. Love is art. Visa Versa.

Let me start over;

Hi. My name is Tylar Greigh Leach. I'm a raging psycopath that you should not get involved with no matter how much you would like to. I do what I can to make it look like I'm strong on the inside & out. Yet half the times, a single glance can make me want to fall in tears. My heart is broken; shattered; ripped from my chest; stomped on. I don't see any life reviving from it. My head is loose; intertwined; mingled; senseless. My body is worn; tore; weak; spineless. I feel as if I am in shackles from head to toe & the everything I've come to know is breaking; waiting for me to pick up the pieces & glue them back together. My chains are too tight, I scream for help.

No one hears. No one is there anymore.

My words often go unnoticed. Yet my words are all I have. My voice is my power. My thoughts are my feelings & my feelings are the only strong part within me. My mind is slowly deminishing though. It feels no longer worthy to stick around. If time could stop, I'd make it fall off a cliff & break, just so I could spend one more moment that will last a life time, next to you.

My fears are what control my life. I fear the unknown in turn making me scared of a future I might have with someone. I don't let myself breathe enough; making it even harder to breathe around you. You make me suffocate just by standing close.

Remember how you're heart sinks into your chest cause you're empty? Mine explodes out of my chest when you leave, it's empty too though.

I don't seem to sleep much these days. & when I do, I always dream of heads. Heads & faces just glaring up at me as if they were all looking for one answer. The answer of all questions. One simple answer. I can't prevail with anyone on my side because that wouldn't be prevailing at all. That'd be isolation. I dislike isolation; I just learned.

Sometimes, I wish I could be Gods assistant. Learn how he does his job; what tricks he has up his sleeve; how he decides who loves & who looses. Who stays & who goes. Up or Down. Left or right.

My mind is full of millions of questions yet I, too, am looking up for the answer of all questions. Yet I do not look at myself, for I do not know the answer. I never have. Maybe I have, I wouldn't know. I know the answer now, I'm looking for remembrance; adventure; past to present; understanding; will to survive; power to keep fighting; warmth to fill my heart.

I don't know what I could do, or what I should do.

Maybe what I'm doing is wrong, but I feel it's right.

I'm too scared of the unknown to face the wrongness of myself.

So don't judge, don't hate, be there. I ask of you with all my might, be there to help me through. Help me with that grip. Let me hold tighter, longer than I ever have before. Forever.

-LiveLoveTy.

The Past; Repeats

2009-01-22T14:53:00.001-08:00

If we have love, what do they have? If they have happiness, what do we have?

We have moments. We have anger & rage.

"We're so inlove that we fight all the time because we can't stand being away from each other"

Ha fuck that. We don't have love. We don't have happiness. We have a past. If getting the cold shoulder from you everyday is love, then fuck, I'm on the wrong train. I'm trying to make things up to you, but you don't even give it a chance. You simply ask "what would you say if I said I'm done"

Uhh... "Fuck it? Why'd I try? What the hell did I do to you? Thanks for the sex?"

It's not like me saying anything will help this at all, because you're so headstrong that you can't let me into your head. It's not anger that I'm giving you, it's fear. I'm scared of losing you & I'm scared of you finding someone else. But shit, all you're giving me is a headache. I don't really see the point in me trying anymore if all you're going to do is kill me in the end. I'm just speeding up the process of my own death I guess. Which I don't want to do.

Look, I love you, You love me. Why can't we just be happy already? I'm trying to make things work & give you anything you want, but the moment I start to show emotion is the moment you completly leave.

We're going to be 60 years old & still going at this stupid game of love if you don't wise the up. I need you now. I will always need you.

When I'm old I will still be breathing on your neck the way you hate. I will still be tickling you the same way.

& You'll still be messing with my head.

Where's the love in that?

-LiveLoveTy

Words Only Do So Much

2009-01-20T14:03:00.000-08:00

How much longer can I stand this torment? This obsessive agony & mind blown anger coming from me everytime you say those things. Sometimes, going to jail for a killing, isn't so bad because you get what you wanted. You killed the enemy. Sure you do some time, but the problem is over.

After all, it's not like the person will rise from beneath the Earth & start all over. Or will they?

Push me over the edge again, & you will learn your early fate as a worthless being. I should just erase you from the face of Mankind so you don't have to belittle yourself anymore. I would be doing the world a favor.

But don't for a second think you will be going to Heaven & it'll be all joyful again. The Gates will not accept someone as deminished as you into their world so you could just corrupt it too. Nor will Hell. You don't belong, you never have & you never will.

You will be a lifeless asshole floating in mid air of nothingness. Only a black space & silence surrounding you. You will go insane, plead for mercy & wish to return. But that chance is too far gone.

I will haunt you.

& I will kill you very soon.

Say one more thing, & you're fate rests in my hands.

-LiveLoveTy

I remember.

2009-01-18T14:34:00.000-08:00

I could say I remember everything that happened last night. I remember the feeling of your body against mine, the warmth of your breathe on my neck as we slept.

...truth is, I don't.

Is my brain at it's maximum capacity level? Are these memories that I'm losing unimportant now? Will this last? I feel wasted in my own time capsoul. I feel like I'm searching for something that isn't there.

If I lose more, I just might lose myself.

I could say I remember meeting you years ago. I could say I remember everything you said as we walked hand in hand through the streets.

...truth is, I don't.

I'm sorry.
What if you become just a lost memory to me?

The Benefit of Sleep Loss

2009-01-12T19:14:00.000-08:00

I didn't sleep last night. But I did think. I was coming down from my high & by then I start thinking about everything that is going on with my life. Here's a couple of thoughts;

A) I have to pee but I don't want to move

okay seriously though;

B) If she's happy, then good for her. I honestly have lost all intrest in her to the point where it's rediculous. I just want my shit back. I loved my fuckin hat & jacket. & I don't just give things away, they usually mean that I care for you & you have the right to wear my clothes. But shit, now I just want all that to disappear & be done with. Chances are they won't & I'll be stuck with this burden of a person for a long time.

C) If the world comes to an end, so be it. We all die at the same time meaning I left no one behind. I think I should just have a good life until it is over. Sure, I'm freaked the fuck out of dying, but it happens to everyone at some point. & If I'm wrong about the 2012 thing, then atleast I got 3 years over with of non stop fun & feelings.

D) I think I should let go & see what happens

E) I really wish I could stay in a relationship with someone. When I sleep, I wish I was holding someones heart in my arms. I wish I could feel their warmth next to me & know they feel the same with me. I want to have someone to be mine & me theirs. For good.

F) it'll never happen

G) girls confuse the shit out of me. I really want to be able to read minds so I know when I should back off or move forward.

H) I think I have a straight crushh... but then again, I have a million crushes.

Live for today, drink for tomorrow, We've got big plans for the rest of our lives.

True love is something that comes easy

Just one kiss god I swear I want to...

I heard a pin drop and a nervous heartbeat

Have you ever heard me scream I love you

-LiveLoveTy

Female Anatomy Strikes Again

2009-01-09T15:19:00.000-08:00

So I thought I've banned myself from girls for awhile. But gahhhh this one girl, mannnn. She's so gorgeous & she's very sweet. PLUS, there won't be any drama attached cause well, she's not in the little lesbian clan.

I'm tired of dating girls that I've dated before. I'm tired of the same ol' drama going down each time. I think that if I just go for it & see what happens, then it'll be good. Everytime I say the exact same thing. "oh I'll commit, this is different. She's worth it".. . but really, it's not a matter of what I say, it's about who the person is. If I get bored or lose interest easily, then fuck man, I'm not gonna stay commited. I go through liking girls like a fucking dog goes through bones. (yes, i did compare myself to a dog)
It's that damn female anatomy! gets me everytime yo. I swear. But I really think if I tried hard enough, I could treat a girl right & give her everything she needs in a relationship. I've tried before with Meagan & shit I'd do it over again a million times, but lately, she's like a walking zombie. I don't know, something doesn't feel right. I think somethings up. But I'm not gonna ask.

Anyways, this new girl. Senior, hot, sweet, funny, down to Earth. b0$$$$$$. I'm gonna give her a shot.

Should I or not?
Who's really to say what the right choice is. Either way, I'm just going at this one at a different perspective.

-LiveLoveTy

Cry to Me; Sing to Me

2009-01-04T19:07:00.000-08:00

Maybe living this life isn't what I thought it would be. Maybe I wasn't supposed to be here. I wasn't supposed to do all the things I've done. It's not like I've made any head way in turning my life around. Everything is still nothing & I am still pathetic. I can't go a day without seeing myself in the mirror & wondering why I look dead. Maybe that's what I should be.

I can't do a single thing right. I can't look at my life & say "hey! You've done great! Pat yourself on the back homie!"

Remember that old folk tale parents & teachers used to tell their kids about the king who everything he touched turned to gold? Well it's like that in many ways. Except everything I touch, brakes. Every person I come to contact with, I mess their lives up horribly. I become a burden to them.

Those who don't know me, are lucky.

I think it's funny, I've had all these thoughts of looking down upon this blade. I have two. & everytime I see them, I start to get chills, like it's calling me or something. No I don't hear voices although that would be awesome. Maybe one of them could help me out just a little.

I feel worthless with everything. I'm never good enough. I don't take amazing photography. I don't take peoples breath away when I try to sing. I'm not smart enough to get into great colleges. I'm not tall enough, I'm not pretty enough. I'm nothing. I'm absolutely nothing. I'm a piece of shit that shouldn't be living.

I can't feel anything. I want to, but I can't. I've lost everything in me. I've lost my will to begin a new day, I've lost a real smile. & none of it will ever come back. I know it won't. Nothing will change.

I want to die. I want someone to slit my throat & watch me choke on my blood while I slowly fall to the floor gasping for a single bit of air. I want someone to rip my heart out & stab it until all that is left are little pieces to be thrown away so that no one will ever have to come into contact with that heart of mine again. Every finger nail, every strand of hair, every inch of me, I want it to be set to flames & burned in the darkest place on Earth so I will never be found. I want to bleed to death even when my body is only ashes. I want to suffer for the remainder of the life of Earth itself.

This is what I want to happen to me soon.

& if it does, then this is my letter of permission for it.

-LiveLoveTy

Time for Seasons Time for Change

2009-01-01T23:34:00.000-08:00

I've been too mellow lately. I know I complain a shit load but nothing exciting goes on anymore. I really want to take some happy pills & go nutz out of my mind. I want to be cracked out & just insane. Not like... psycho-ward insane but insane on life.
Here's what I want out of this year::

I want to be happy.
I want to have tons of parties but tons of nights on the couch with someone watching movies.
I want to ask too many questions for my good.
I want to quit smoking & find a higher drug.. not drug though.
I want to be good at something; better than anyone else.
I want to be able to write again
I want to just ponder to myself about how good my day was.
I want to sit on the phone for hours laughing or in the moment with someone
I want to find someone who will just accept me
I want to accept myself along the way
I want to be comfortable in my own skin
I want the drama to stop & for everyone to just get along
I just want.... life to come to me again.

-LiveLoveTy

Happy New Year.

2009-01-01T00:03:00.000-08:00

You know what I've noticed? Things have not been very exciting lately. At all. I haven't been up to my normal mood. I'm usually a big partier, but no one else is, so it's bumming the scene out just a bit.
New Years: spent it in a van. With Meagan of course, but nothing happened. Not that I worship sex or anything. That didn't bother me. It's just... things didn't go according to plan. Wasn't drunk, wasn't high, wasn't anything. Not even happy.
Don't get me wrong, spending time with Meagan is what I love most about life. It's just.. usually something always goes bad or the mood dies. I don't know. I love her, of course I do. She just refuses to believe me. & I don't think I should have to change to be with anyone. I think they should just love me for the cold hearted person I am at times & a sarcastic bitch who doesn't give a fuck if anyone around me is like... being dramatic. ONCEAGAIN. But I'm willing to change for her & I want to. I just don't know how to. I'm supposed to be "showing" that I want her & I want to be with her. I don't know how though. I don't understand how saying "I love you" every 10 minutes isn't enough. Hell, it'd be enough for me. But not for her. I wish it were. I wish we could have a single night where everything goes right & there wouldn't be any drama or getting sick. But I know that day will never come. It never has. I really have given up on trying to love someone. I'm no good at it. I literally suck huge sweaty balls at Love. I don't think anyone will ever understand that & be okay with it.
But oh well, it's not like I'm gonna ever be with anyone without Meagan in the picture. So I'm sticking to her. I don't see her as a burden, I just know that I can't be with someone because I'll always be thinking about her. So there really is no point to anyone trying to get with me.
UGH FUCK MY LIFE.

New Years sucked. Bottom line.
2009 isn't starting off too well.
FUCK MY LIFE.

-LiveLoveTy

Same Day Different Life

2008-12-30T11:50:00.000-08:00

So things are looking up just a bit. I've gotten into a better mood & realized everything happens for a reason. Maybe this was just a test to see if I would still keep running back to her or not, But I really KNOW that I love Meagan with everything I am & even though I've dated others, she's still the only one for me.
She'll always be the only one for me. She's the girl that I've fallen in love with everyday since the 8th grade. She's make my heart beat so fast & my knees so weak all at the same time. I know, because I've felt it happen. & I know she loves me because if she didn't, she wouldn't put up with me the way she does.
So I give her props for stickin by me for so long. I know I've caused her pain & suffering, but when you make a promise to be someone's 'wife' forever, "till death do us part" is not only a promise, but a will & testement. I would go to the ends of the Earth for my girl & I am thinking she would do the same.
No one, nothing, no object, no piece of mind, no beauty, no damsel, no nothing, will ever compare to my feelings for Meagan Leigh Harrison. She is & always will be my one true love.
My Baby.

-LiveLoveTy

At A Loss

2008-12-30T08:27:00.000-08:00

So, we broke up. Well she broke up with me, but honestly it was for the best. (my cat is currently eating a plant..) We both were way too different, it wouldn't have worked out in the long run.
I really hoped it would. But things/people come & go all the time.
& if I hurt her as much as she said I did, then it realllllllllly was a good thing that we broke up. I wouldn't want to put her through so much pain. I hate hurting people & she would be crying 24/7 instead of 23/7, which I really couldn't handle.
Tears, yeah, they aren't my thing. Details also. Fuck man, relationships too. I hate commitment or showing I care. So really, I should stay single for a bit.
Or atleast until I know that I'm ready for a relationship & will stay in it.

I thought I would stay in this one, but she beat me to the finish line. So I lost. but that's okay. I wish her the best.
but it's like... Love is complicated & when you have someone like her, & someone like me, it's just obvious that it wouldn't work out.
Atleast we gave it a shot.
I really hope we could still be friends. But I doubt that will happen. It'd just be weird. Besides, I need a few nights to myself for a bit, or atleast with Victoria & Meagan, or HEY! Maybe just some friends.
If I still have any.

-LiveLoveTy

you know what I hate!?

2008-12-28T22:13:00.000-08:00

I hate immature jealous girlfriends who think they can control you like you're some puppy. I don't work that way. I hate being tied down & when I am tied down, I don't do shit with anyone else. I don't cheat, I simply hang with friends. YES a couple girls like me but that doesn't mean I am going to run & jump on their vagina like it's a fuckin theme park. NO.

& It's pathetic how little girlfriends REALLY do trust you. It's like they say one thing, then they turn around & see you talking to a GIRL-friend & it's automatically "WHY ARE YOU FLIRTING WITH HER!"
This shit really fuckin pisses me off. I love my girlfriend. No doubt about it. Sure I don't show allllll of my emotions, but when I do show some, she better be damn happy because that shit is rare. I'm not a lovey dovey little sucking up pussy like she wants me to be. I am simply Ty. The girl known to be a player, a flirt, & one hotass dyke.

But reputation is one thing. I'm tired of being compared to all these silly little wanna bees who think they can start drama & be seen as "cool". It's not cool. GROW UP.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

I'm tired of dramatic attention whores. I wanna just go out & party or hang with some friends & have a good time. NOT be caught up in all this drama & have it ruin my night.

TONIGHT- Unsilent Night. I was having a damn good time with friends. Not my girlfriend, & she gets pissed. I've given up on trying to please her. It's fucking impossible. I'm tired as shit. THEN we fucking leave the show at 8:30. If you know me, you know I love to be around live music. Plano Centre is where I feel the best. I am the most happy & I never leave until the END of the show. NOT when it's little 6th graders curfew.

But I shrugged it off & left with everyone. DRAMA goes down at the coffee shop & cops get involved & I am just pissed to all hells end by now. I've got my girlfriend ragging on me for "flirting" with a drunkin dramatic chick. WHICH I DIDN'T. And I've got the drunkin dramatic chick crying her ass off & apparently she broke her arm & started compulsing.

Look, if you're ANYTYPE of drama, leave me the fuck out of it. I'm tired of dealing with all this.
I got out of my group of friends & tried to do my own shit for awhile, & they all seem to be looking for the next little fight to pick with me.

All everyone does these days, is start drama. Drama drama drama. FUCKING DRAMA.

after tonight, I'm done with nearly all my friends. All my associates. All of everyone.

This has gotten ridiculous.

So that's my rant for the night.

I'm gonna go watch Titanic with my grandma & get annoyed at her not being able to fuckin hear a word I'm saying.

Whatever.

Peace Chill Be Safe

-LiveLoveTy

Shall not repeat For I have reason to believe there is more to Life

2008-12-19T12:58:00.003-08:00

In this closing I leave you with every last word that I have spoken before you. I shall only repeat this once, if you live your life based on judging others and being wrapped up in pain, you're life will end as you know it. Whatever does not feel right probably isn't right. Live without regrets, yet live with a conscious even if those around you do not. Every human being and animal has a heart. Do not purposely nor subconsciously forget that. Listen to what your heart tells you. And when you realize it's time to grow up, then by God, grow up.

-LiveLoveTy

Heart Decides

2008-11-30T19:53:00.001-08:00

Sometimes, I just wish I didn't have to make any decisions in my life. Usually I'm really good at making decisions when they are about life. Just not the "love life". I get torn so easily or I get mixed up with someone RIGHT before Meagan tells me she wants to be with me. If it weren't such bad timing, I'd easily be able to make a decision. But really, its ALWAYS bad timing: which SUCKS ASSSS.

Anyways, at the moment, I have so much work to get done & it's nearly 10pm. I have school in the morning & I'm going not knowing if I will be kicked out as soon as I walk through the doors. Apparently the school lost my records & it will be a crime to continue to teach me? I don't know. But really have to get all my projects done before I get some sleep. & I really need a cigarrette. I think I'm going to have one pretty soon. I've been trying to quit although it hasn't been working so well. But ey! I tried man! I tried!

Last night was quite possibly one of the greatest nights I've had in awhile. Hanging out with my baby, & litterally everyone was awesome. We all played spin the bottle, I was expecting there to be so many fights because half the girls were taken. It was so funny. Yet I was able to find out who was a good kisser or not. Sooooo, w000t!

(if I have mono, they are sooo going down)

Signing off peoples.
- Say Ty.

I Swear I'm Dreaming

2008-11-28T23:57:00.000-08:00

Quite possibly, I'm experiencing true love for the first time in my life.
Yet it's not the type you'd think of, I've found happiness in a simple person. An ex of mine.
Who I never thought would come back into my life & start this new beginning with me. Along side of me.
I know that people always think of me as a big player, or someone who loves breaking hearts, but that's not me. I've never been one to enjoy hurting someone. What would I get out of it? The oh so incredible feeling of victory? No.
I'm a romantic at heart believe it or not.
& I'm finding the right path to take. Whether it be to my heart, or to my next adventure.
One way or another, I'm no longer feeling alone. To have the rush of the crowd, the simplicity of the guitar & the sensation of spilling your own music from your lungs, is something no artist will ever be able to fully explain.
Fans really do keep the musician going.
I hope to obtain more someday.
Check my band out soon. Say Hello

-Say Ty.